To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives- the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections- that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God (Nouwen, 1997).
One of the reoccurring reads on my bookshelf is Ruthless Trust: the ragamuffin’s path to God (Manning, 2000). This book was given to me by dear friend Jay the Pauperly Prince (sometimes it’s ‘Princely Pauper’ depending on the day 🙂 the Christmas of 2000. Jay is a true ragamuffin like me. Every year I find myself back in this book contemplating trust, my life, and how no matter what happens in my life, the issue I return to is trust. For that reason, I’ve decided that trust is the lesson that we keep learning until we die: literally, and metaphorically spiritually. I do wish that it were one of those things that you just pay your dues on and move on to the next lesson, or ‘level’ (if the video game metaphors work for you). I’ve learned that no matter how good my negotiation skills get, I can’t seem to convince God that I don’t need anymore object lessons on the subject. However, as masochistic as it may seem at times, I am learning to enjoy this ‘dance’ in the wilderness. Manning writes, “Uncontaminated trust in the revelation of Jesus allows us to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation” (Manning, 2000, p. 30).
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s alright with me. The tragedies that we experience are ok – it hurts, but it’s ok. The unknowing, blindfolded existence of following this invisible God, is ok. The result outweighs the momentary discomfort. I have a propensity to make sense of things and to be in control of my future, and realize that those two areas cannot be non-negotiables with me if I claim that Jesus is Lord. I’m learning to surrender in every sense of the word (to yield to the power of another, to give oneself up, etc.). I’m learning how to (as Manning puts it) breathe, dance, and sing, the way that I have been created to. Fortunately, living as a missionary right now, my daily life is an incubator for these lessons, and lately the incubator has been burning so hot that it’s been burning out the dross (sorry for the mixed metaphor – I realize that it’s slightly paradoxical, since incubators help things grow, and the process of metal purification is to destroy. *destroy impurity, but still. I’m sure you can see that it all works together…).
Finally, Manning wrote:
“To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness” (2000, p. 37).
“So, thank you Abba, Jesus, and Holy Spirit, for every twist and turn, stone and thorn, mountain streams and dried up river beds on this journey. I do believe that it is all worth it considering the Prize. Thank you for whispering Your sweet affections of reckless love toward me this morning. Please, in Your grace, continue to draw me close to You, teaching me to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about Your gift of salvation. Amen.”
Reference:
Manning, B. (2000). Ruthless Trust: the ragamuffin’s path to God. NY: HarperCollins
Nouwen, H. (1997). Bread for the Journey. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco