I may not understand,
But I will trust in you
The billows of this wave
Lead me back to You…

As an artist with an overactive creative mind, these words popped into my head around 4:00 pm yesterday, along with a melody. I was driving from the reservation to the mountain hospital after receiving a call to come in. Marissa was feeling some strange cramping coming from our baby in her belly, and her doctor wanted her to go to the OB to get it checked out. My 30 minute drive was half an intercession meeting with God and half being sick out of my mind not knowing the full picture yet. We lost a child at 8 weeks last year, and now Marissa is at 7 months. We’ve been watching the baby grow healthy, and enjoying the growth of Marissa’s belly in the process. Just a couple days ago, everything looked fine…but within the past 48 hours, things changed. Arriving at the hospital, I walked in to a teary eyed wife. And the ultrasound soon to follow showed and confirmed that our child no longer had a heartbeat and was stillborn. Needless to say, from then until now (4:00 in the morning) we’ve cried a lot of tears. We’ve had amazing friends pray with us, and be there for us, as well as acquaintances not really knowing what to say. As I’m remembering Job, one lesson that we can learn is that in trial if you don’t know what to say, then don’t make anything up! In times like these you take the good with the bad, and cling to God. Opposite of Job’s friends who offered their opinions, sometimes silence is the appropriate response. Often the most profound answers that God gives us are questions. Like young Elihu offers, “Behold, God is great and we do not know Him”. It’s OK to not have answers, and like one dear friend encouraged us, in times like these we just need to focus on the nature and attributes of God. She’s right. If we just look at our limited scope of reality, we’ll be crushed by these waves. Right now Marissa is trying to sleep, and in the morning they induce labor. Please be praying for the Bidderman’s to have strength. And for our grieving process as we cling to each other and to God. We are fortunate to have a support system of intercessors who are even crying out right now (at 4 in the morning). We COULD NOT do this, or any of what we do, without them.

We love you.

Clinging to Zeph. 3:17
joel.